WHERE I’VE BEEN.

Stay tuned.  You’re welcome.

MY OLD PENNSYLTUCKY HOME

NOT A CAMPER.

Where…to…begin…

MODERN LOVE

Today’s important life lesson graph comes to us courtesy of my dear friend Bidet.  She had a great first date with this chap, and he asked her out again right away.  But in the short waiting period between date 1 and date 2, something happened:

LEGEND

???= A text saying, “Hey, I heard this song called ‘History in the Making’ and it made me think of you.”

Y’all see where this point is on the graph. BETWEEN DATES 1 and 2.  Aaaaannnd here are the lyrics (you can’t make this stuff up):

Don’t move
Baby Don’t move
I just want to take this all in
The moonlight dancing off your skin
Our time. Lets take our time
I just want to look in your eyes and catch our breath
Cuz I just got this feeling

This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, one we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The thought of forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making

Inside, baby inside
Can’t you feel the butterflies?
Floating all around
Cuz I can sure feel them now
Tonight, maybe tonight
Is a start of a beautiful ride that will never end
And baby I’ve got a feeling

This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, one we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The thought of forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making

Right here, right now
Holding you in my arms

This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, one we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The thought of forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making

Cupid, white courtesy phone please.

THINGS PEOPLE HAVE YELLED AT ME AS I LEAVE THE WORKPLACE

My office building tends to attract a lot of bystanders, and sometimes they decide to give me a piece of their minds.  Some things don’t make any sense, some are funny, and some make me so angry that I want to scream, but here are my favorites so far (with a handy scale on the left):

I am confident this post will require updates in the future.

CHARTOGRAPHY SPECIAL EDITION: OUTLIERS!

There is a lot of stuff I want to blog about that, even though I have insane chart-making skills, just won’t happen.  Some things have too many variables.  Also, I am getting lazy.

A habillion months ago, I polled friends and asked them about the weirdest gift they’d ever received.  It got too hard to plot the data—what are the axes for gift-giving?  How well you know the person?  What your relationship is?  Mental states?  Also, what if your weird is somebody’s awesome?  But then I got a response from one friendly that made me realize some presents really are universally weird.  Regardless of whatever you put on the axes, whatever your normal distribution is, etc, these guys are the outliers.  And for an example of one of “these guys”…look no further than a sterling silver monkey straw from Tiffany & Co:

My friend Jenny (the most amazing triathlete ever), received the above gift from her boyfriend.  She isn’t a big straw person, and expressed no preference for monkeys.  When she saw the box—shaped like a one that would hold a necklace—she got really worried because they hadn’t been together long.  I know it will shock my dear readers, but they are no longer together.

Since I couldn’t come up with a chart, I made her do a photo shoot (please note the tribal setting) and decided to post this one, because I am a jerk:

But if anything, this woman deserves some justice.  Her significant other went to Tiffany and BOUGHT HER A REALLY EXPENSIVE STERLING SILVER MONKEY STRAW.  GAAHHH!  So here is a good sport model shot:

Congratulations, Jenny.  You win the outlier contest.

A FURRY TRACTOR

Forget the charts and graphs…my parents have a new neighbor:

Dear SC Borough Police Department:  tranq gun, or roofies stuffed in a steak–your choice.