I’M SWITCHING TO GHIRADELLI.

AHEM:

I’m not sure when fond memories of baking cookies with your mom didn’t involve creaming butter and sugar, arguing about measuring flour, huffing the vanilla, and DID involve cutting open a package, pulling apart the dough and baking it.  I mean, come on.

My favorite part of this commercial is when grandma decides to bake cookies—because she is THE ONLY ONE who makes them from scratch.  What a quaint old fashioned tradition.  Only grandmas bake cookies from scratch!

The thing everyone says about cooking is that when you make it with love, it tastes delicious.  I know it is totally dorky, but it’s true.  If I’ve ever made you a baked good, you should know that it came from a happy little kitchen where the chef wears a personalized apron, blasts 90s music, and uses actual ingredients.  And sometimes, she lovingly pets the Kitchen Aid.  There is no love in a tube of dough.

Here’s what I put in my cookies:

-butter
-sugar (TWO KINDS—GOD, ONLY A CRAZY OLD LADY WOULD USE TWO KINDS OF SUGAR)
-flour
-salt
-baking soda
-eggs
-vanilla
-chocolate chips
-Ace of Base

and their cookies:
-shit I can’t pronounce

I dunno, guys.  Grandma wins.

MY OLD PENNSYLTUCKY HOME

NOT A CAMPER.

Where…to…begin…

MODERN LOVE

Today’s important life lesson graph comes to us courtesy of my dear friend Bidet.  She had a great first date with this chap, and he asked her out again right away.  But in the short waiting period between date 1 and date 2, something happened:

LEGEND

???= A text saying, “Hey, I heard this song called ‘History in the Making’ and it made me think of you.”

Y’all see where this point is on the graph. BETWEEN DATES 1 and 2.  Aaaaannnd here are the lyrics (you can’t make this stuff up):

Don’t move
Baby Don’t move
I just want to take this all in
The moonlight dancing off your skin
Our time. Lets take our time
I just want to look in your eyes and catch our breath
Cuz I just got this feeling

This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, one we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The thought of forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making

Inside, baby inside
Can’t you feel the butterflies?
Floating all around
Cuz I can sure feel them now
Tonight, maybe tonight
Is a start of a beautiful ride that will never end
And baby I’ve got a feeling

This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, one we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The thought of forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making

Right here, right now
Holding you in my arms

This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to, one we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The thought of forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making

Cupid, white courtesy phone please.

THINGS PEOPLE HAVE YELLED AT ME AS I LEAVE THE WORKPLACE

My office building tends to attract a lot of bystanders, and sometimes they decide to give me a piece of their minds.  Some things don’t make any sense, some are funny, and some make me so angry that I want to scream, but here are my favorites so far (with a handy scale on the left):

I am confident this post will require updates in the future.

CHARTOGRAPHY SPECIAL EDITION: OUTLIERS!

There is a lot of stuff I want to blog about that, even though I have insane chart-making skills, just won’t happen.  Some things have too many variables.  Also, I am getting lazy.

A habillion months ago, I polled friends and asked them about the weirdest gift they’d ever received.  It got too hard to plot the data—what are the axes for gift-giving?  How well you know the person?  What your relationship is?  Mental states?  Also, what if your weird is somebody’s awesome?  But then I got a response from one friendly that made me realize some presents really are universally weird.  Regardless of whatever you put on the axes, whatever your normal distribution is, etc, these guys are the outliers.  And for an example of one of “these guys”…look no further than a sterling silver monkey straw from Tiffany & Co:

My friend Jenny (the most amazing triathlete ever), received the above gift from her boyfriend.  She isn’t a big straw person, and expressed no preference for monkeys.  When she saw the box—shaped like a one that would hold a necklace—she got really worried because they hadn’t been together long.  I know it will shock my dear readers, but they are no longer together.

Since I couldn’t come up with a chart, I made her do a photo shoot (please note the tribal setting) and decided to post this one, because I am a jerk:

But if anything, this woman deserves some justice.  Her significant other went to Tiffany and BOUGHT HER A REALLY EXPENSIVE STERLING SILVER MONKEY STRAW.  GAAHHH!  So here is a good sport model shot:

Congratulations, Jenny.  You win the outlier contest.

A FURRY TRACTOR

Forget the charts and graphs…my parents have a new neighbor:

Dear SC Borough Police Department:  tranq gun, or roofies stuffed in a steak–your choice.

I HAVE BETTER TASTE IN MOVIES THAN WALT (AND PROBS MEARSHEIMER).

Stephen Walt is a pretty decent foreign policy wonk, so I was excited to check out his Top 10 Foreign Policy Movies list.  And, of course, I realized that 1) I need to pick his apart and 2) I could make a way better list.

You can read Stephen’s selection explanations here.  I haven’t seen all of his choices (but they are in my Netflix queue!), and he disqualified spy capers, war epics and documentaries…but since he broke his own rules, I am breaking them too.

10. Stephen Picked:  Meeting Venus
I Picked:  The Manchurian Candidate

I haven’t seen Meeting Venus, but I have seen BOTH versions of the Manchurian Candidate (I prefer the older one because Angela Lansbury’s acting is so good that I have nightmares about her character).  This is the archetypal Cold War brainwashing movie, almost as good as those DoD-produced films narrated by Jack Webb.  Just thinking about this flick makes me want to watch it again.  Plus, Frank Sinatra!

9.  Stephen Picked: Independence Day
I Picked: Team America:  World Police

8. Stephen Picked:  Syriana
I Picked:  Charlie Wilson’s War

Um, Stephen said his CIA friends said Charlie Wilson’s War is mostly bunk.    Aside from how that sounds sort of eighth-grade gossip-y, CWW upset a lot of important people with big egos, so of course they’re gonna say it’s bunk.  That shouldn’t disqualify it from making the cut—or worse—allow the choosing of a crapstorm like Syriana instead. Syriana was impossible to follow and utterly stupid.  If See No Evil had received the same film treatment as CWW, I wouldn’t be sitting here complaining.  Maybe I would, but it would be about something else of great importance.

7.  Stephen Picked:  Judgment at Nuremberg
I Picked:  The Lives of Others

Actually, I bet Judgment at Nuremberg is good, I just haven’t seen it.  I have seen The Lives of Others, which is an incredible movie, so that’s why it’s on here (duh).  Man, I’m kind of losing steam and we’re only at #7.

6.  Stephen Picked:  Wag the Dog
I Picked:  Clear and Present Danger

“I’m sorry, Mr. President.  I don’t dance.”

If you are looking for a foreign policy scandal-ish movie, look no further.  Clear and Present Danger is phenomenal—probably the best in the Jack Ryan series.  Drugs!  Corruption!  A thinly-veiled version of Iran-Contra!

5.  Stephen Picked:  Fail Safe
I Picked:  The Battle of Algiers

How is Battle of Algiers not on his list?  Amateur hour.   You can’t have a serious Cold War “will we blow up the world” drama AND a comedy version on the same list.  There are rules!  So I’m replacing his choice with this movie…advance warning, though it’s amazing, it’s also v. difficult to watch.  But it’s good in a way because you can see how things in Algeria have gotten so much bet—oh wait.

4.  Stephen Picked:   Gandhi/A Passage to India
I Picked:  Jarhead/Three Kings

Oh, sorry, you can’t choose a spy caper but you can add an India twofer?  What the hell?  So I am gonna do the same with the Middle East.  I prefer Three Kings (Marky Mark!) to Jarhead, but they’re both worth watching.

3.  Stephen Picked:   The Great Dictator
I Picked:  Dirty Dancing:  Havana Nights

This is for Alyson, Becca and Cella.  AND CUUUUUUBBBBBAAAAAAA!

2.  Stephen Picked:   Dr. Strangelove
I Picked:  Dr. Strangelove

A meeting of the minds.  Or perhaps we just watched my #10 selection?

1.  Stephen Picked:   Casablanca
I Picked:  Lawrence of Arabia

This is the biggest crime on his entire list.  I love Casablanca as much as the next person, but give me a damn break.  This does not belong on a foreign policy film list, ESPECIALLY one that doesn’t include Lawrence of Arabia, which is only THE MOST IMPORTANT FOREIGN POLICY MOVIE OF ALL TIME.  No joke, when I scrolled down to the bottom of Stephen’s list and saw that it was missing…I actually got angry.  I felt my blood pressure rise.  How could Stephen do this to me, to us, to fopo nerds and movie nerds and regular nerds everywhere?

I feel that I’ve righted this wrong.  What up now, Stephen.  What up now.

THE UGH FACTOR.

…oh, life.

It has been too long since I last tapped my gushing well of self-deprecation (which has been quantified into “utils of ugh”).   Let’s get back to it:

I LOVE CHERRY DANISH MORE THAN I LOVE MY DIGNITY.

As you know, I take breakfast pastries seriously.

My most favorite breakfast pastry of all time is Marvelous Market’s cherry Danish.  The golden flaky pastry is flavored with lots of cinnamon, and the center is delicious and fresh–it doesn’t taste like supersweet canned cherry pie filling. It’s got a lovely shine to it courtesy of some melted apricot jelly. This exquisite breakfast treat usually sells out on the weekends, so you have to get there early, and YES, I have literally raced people to the pastry counter to make sure that I got one. This is not a gas station croissant, folks.

Anyway, I’ve been running late the past few Saturdays, so I just figured that they had sold out of them by the time I got there. But I was confused on this past Saturday when I saw that there wasn’t even a spot for the cherry Danish next to the cheese one. The little “Cherry Danish” marker wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Suddenly, the cheese Danish was right next to the Pain aux Raisin. wtf.

The salesman confirmed my worst fear–the cherry Danish is no longer being carried at the store. As he was delivering this information to me, I could tell he was concerned about my reaction since he’s been ringing up my cherry Danish for over a year. And yes, I might have loudly yelled “NOOOOOOOOOOO.” I don’t remember. I was too upset.  I marched home, found their website and decided to send them a little message asking what happened.  Today I received my reply:

Hi Sarah,

I was delighted to read your e-mail! We always love learning how we can do a better job.

The bad news first: the cherry danish as you knew it will not be returning to the regular menu. Sadly, that particular store was throwing away, on average, almost 40% of the cherry danishes it received from the bakery. From a business perspective, it simply did not make sense to continue to carry such an inconsistent seller.

I do have two pieces of good news though. First, the cherry danish is available by special order if you call the store by 11 AM the day before pick-up. Second, we are trying to spice things up by adding more seasonal menu items to the mix. With spring and summer fruit season ahead, seasonal fruits are certain to make an appearance in the pastry category.

I do hope that you’ll continue to visit us for your Saturday coffee and treats. We’ve just introduced the best cupcakes in DC, and we’ve got some amazing flourless brownies and coconut macaroons for Passover.

Warm regards,

Lisa

THEY WERE THROWING AWAY CHERRY DANISH. Why don’t you just set money on fire, or shoot people’s dreams?

The bright side is that now I’ve been informed that you can special order cherry Danish!!!!  I feel like I can breathe again. And since I owe y’all a graph, I decided to draft some sales projections for The Marv: