A WARNING TO ALL

Equilibrium is important to me.  So if you complain about my infrequent posts but share an idea for a future blog, you get a free pass.  All is right with the world.  However, if you complain about my blog without providing an idea for a future blog, I will create an embarrassing graph about you to correct the imbalance.  And if you don’t think I am serious…see below for a case in point.

Hush up and get on that midnight train to Georgia.

I NEED NEW BRAGGING RIGHTS.

It’s Selection Sunday, which means I finally have to stop bragging about winning last year’s NCAA March Madness work pool. If I enter the pool this year and lose, last year’s epic victory will be tarnished by future failure. So I’ve decided to diversify my bragging rights portfolio in the hopes of a payoff somewhere.

The last two years I missed my chance to enter WaPo’s Peep Diorama Contest and decided 2009 was gonna be it. Armed with the best idea ever courtesy of Alyson, we worked to realize a dream. And we couldn’t have done it without Laura, who is a miniature bikini subject matter expert.

Below is our masterpiece, “Rock of Love Tour Bus with Peep Michaels”:

I can’t decide if my sides hurt because I laughed for about 7 hours straight yesterday, or because I ate about 5,000 Peeps.

DO NOT MESS

with my grandma:

Photography is not outside the realm of this blog, right?

WHY I LOOK FORWARD TO BEING A PARENT

Found this in an old desk yesterday:

Judging by the care bears strewn behind me, I won the bar fight.

CHRISTOPHER HILL IS THE BRAD PITT OF FOREIGN POLICY

I was pretty psyched to see Christopher Hill’s name mentioned as Obama’s selection for Ambassador to Iraq.  In fact, I was so psyched that I started drafting a list of reasons why I adore Hill—and it was then that I realized I had developed yet another nerd crush.   I have a lot of them, but I decided to do a little data collection because I know I’m not alone.  Operating without a working definition of nerd crush, I asked individuals to provide me with 5 crushes they would define as such and the percentage likelihood that they would create a homemade t-shirt in honor of the crush.  Because nerd crushes seem like they could be a little embarrassing, contributors are identified only by the British Double Cross codenames I assigned to them.  And the results are…interesting:

1)  I suck at formatting charts.

2)  You can have a nerd crush on a dead guy.

3) GROSGRAIN is too proud to honor a crush with a t-shirt.

4) Nerd crushes are associated with 3 fields:  journalism, politics, and food.

5) Aaron Sorkin has cornered the nerd crush market.

6) BIDET is going to request a new codename.

YOU CAN LOSE YOUR MIND

Definitive proof that Tina Fey gets her material for Liz Lemon by having me followed.

If I didn’t idolize Tina so much (does that make me a narcissist kinda?), I would probably sue, but I think I’ll hold out until Liz has an incident with a grocery cart.

FAREWELL, CAREER IN POLITICS!

32 Contenders. 1 Winner. And since Rahm Emanuel is involved…

NO MERCY

In case you were wondering, yes, that IS a Mortal Kombat Obama Administration March Madness Bracket. And, YES, to answer your other question, I will be spending the next four years updating this chart, adding personalized weapons, providing fight previews, and revising bureaucratic matchups when necessary. So I really hope you like it. And if you don’t…

I WILL FINISH YOU.

ACCOUNTABILITY WATCH

Since “be more realistic” isn’t a resolution of mine this year, I avoided including “eat fewer donuts” on this chart because of the negative skew factor.

Where:

1=Worry less
2=Stave off desire for tattoo
3=Learn about wine
4=Blog more
5=Watch Battlestar Galactica
6=Bake a successful souffle
7=Do not kill basil plant
8=Develop rainy day fund
9=Spend rainy day fund on trip to Europe
10=Close blinds before hosting underwear dance party
11=Buy more grass-finished beef and cage-free eggs
12=Become high-level foreign policy wonk

WONKS ARE EASY TO BUY FOR

Because it’s Christmas, here’s a throwaway blog…selfishly motivated by my love for this woman:

I gotta say…when I read this article I got a little teary-eyed. Sometimes making the effort to save a hugely important Department is all it takes to make us nerds get in the holiday spirit. And on that note, my holiday gift to you all is probably going to be to torture you with more political rants and fewer charts.

To the cookies!

OUT OF THE VAMPIRE CLOSET

So, I finished the Twilight series today and decided to celebrate by feeling ashamed of myself showing, statistically, that it’s ok to like it (and to admit it). At any rate, that’s what the lady at Borders told me when I bought the first book and had to plead with her for a bag. She was kind of crazy, though, so I decided to make things a little more scientific by sampling the ladies who appear in my Gchat Autocontacts. I developed some categories, and came up with the verdict:

Even though the “Don’t Care” portion is large, when you lump together the other three categories…well. There appears to be a large coven of us out there. So as a PSA to males everywhere, you may want to think twice before making fun of the series and focus on emulating Edward Cullen (and his liquid topaz eyes) instead.